Presidential hopeful offers Americans the moon

GOP contender Newt Gingrich has made one of the biggest promises since JFK’s original moon exploration idea in the 60s: promising voters to establish a permanent base on the moon by the end of his expected term if he is elected president. Following the pattern of the airline boom in the 30s, Gingrich wants to transform the moon into a habitable state and make it a vacation destination by 2020. Seriously, yall. Newt is promising us the moon. Continue reading →

Report: Jesus “totally fucking forgot” about game

Jesus Christ claims to have “totally fucking forgot” about the game Saturday, in which Tebow and the Broncos finally lost in their battle with Tom Brady’s Patriots.

According to the AP wire, Jesus Christ, who some believe to have sacrificed himself for all of mankind’s wrongdoings as well as being the son of the divine power who created “literally, everything,” spoke to reporters Tuesday morning about what happened Saturday.

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Goddamn it, Jon Huntsman

Former Utah governor and GOP candidate Jon Huntsman dropped out of the race for the republican presidential nomination on Monday after placing third in last week’s New Hampshire primary. Even before his drop, he acknowledged that expectations for him in South Carolina’s primary were “very low.” Continue reading →